Before we moved in together I was living by myself. So when we decided to live together, I had everything we needed - from towels and linen, to cups, plates and dishes. Everything. All he needed to do was pack a suitcase and move in.

The only other thing he brought with him was this huge, insanely soft and comfortable feather filled quilt. It was like sleeping between clouds! I gave away all my old blankets and duvets, we didn't use them anymore.

It was a warm spring when we broke up. Summer was already in the air. I packed everything that was mine and left an empty apartment. The only thing I left was his quilt. I didn't felt sad about leaving cause I knew for quite a while it was the right to do.

It was a wonderful summer. I never felt any regrets about breaking up, not for a minute.

But then the summer ended and it started to rain heavily. It was suddenly too cold to sleep without a blanket. So I started to look for one in my winter closet section. An then it hit me - I don't have anything, I gave all away.

And a struck of sadness hit me so hard I almost cried. I missed that feathery quilt so much...

Feather filled quilt

We grew so icy with each other those few days; what I thought might allow us to thaw the growing cold between us only solidified both our feelings. As you watched me scrape the ice off the car at the airport while you sat planning your family New Year's Eve, we both knew it was the end. 

Nothing was right for you in Marrakech, nor with the plan I'd painstakingly and lovingly created for us, but perhaps we were both ultimately too inflexible and too selfish. 

I accept my mistakes though the way you cruelly laid out my catalogue of faults still weighs heavy; my self-worth shattered. You never would acknowledge your own flaws though. Months of being fully present for you, limping from one family crisis to the next, trying to accommodate your needs, and taking on board all your interests. None of this - or the strain it placed on 'us' - was ever acknowledged. I thought there would be more grace, understanding and space for me when I needed it, but there was only space for you - I wish you'd been honest about that from the start; with me and with yourself. 

Hardest in all of this is realising that the person I fell in love with - and dreamed of building a future with - didn't exist, leaving me questioning my own judgement. 

But now, finally, I've cracked it and I am letting the illusion of you go. 

Feather filled quilt

Freezing Point