I waited almost 40 years to learn the meaning of the word love. Unfortunately, the intensity of our emotions carried us from one extreme to another. When we loved one another, we loved without holding back. When we fought, we fought till it hurt. Thanks to her I climbed a tree for the first time in my life, and I did it at a time when my children were climbing trees. We enjoyed making each other's dreams come true. Each dream fulfilled was a joy to both of us. She knew that as a child I'd always wanted a car with pedals. But I never had one.
I was over forty when one was given to me. She went for a walk with her sister and there it was, next to a trash container. They brought it back to the apartment, put it in the tub and washed it. They decorated it with little flowers and wrote my name, their nicknames and the date on its wheels. This car represents our love. It shows that when two people truly love one another, no dream is left unfulfilled. 

A Child's Pedal Car

At that point we were together for almost 4 Months. It was my first relationship. Due to the fact that it was a long distance relationship, it was me, who drove to him every single time (2 hrs by train). Then I wanted him to visit me. 

It was planned from Friday to Sunday. But work came in between. Saturday afternoon I came up with the idea, that he can visit me sunday for a few hours, before going to work. He agreed.

Then he arrived. With my bag full of my stuff & clothes in his hand. He said, that he was ashamed by himself, with not being honest with himself, that he didnt wanted to visit me that day. He also said, that he was not happy with our communication. Then he broke up.

His first visit

After just a month of dating, he cheated on me 4years ago with his ex. He asked for another chance. I've known by thoughts I should've never let him in again. People around me told me not to connect with him again.
But I forgave him and we were in an on and off relationship, what people called situationship these days. I couldn't trust him like before. And most of the times I was easily got angry to him even just for small problem. But at the same time, he was my safe space. Always. I could forget all of my problems and burdens when I was with him. He was my comfort. 
Until this dawn, finally he said he met his limit and wanted to let us go. The feel was like 4years ago. I thought I had forgotten it, but my heart not. It still hurts. A lot. Hard to breathe. The feeling like you want to hurt yourself physically to divert the tight in your chest. But you're just lie still, can not do anything. I prefer numb than this kind of thing.
He was my first everything. So I really don't know what to do right now. I just think and feel like I don't know how to trust even bet my heart on stranger again.

give up

That day when I saw the positive test, it was a shock. It wasn't the right time. My life was upside down, and I had too many things to sort out. How could I have taken care of you? But I did it with love from the first moment I learned of your existence. 
Day after day, I began to imagine you in my arms. Every ultrasound was a powerful emotion, and the things that needed sorting out somehow began to fall into place. 

But then October 7th arrived, and a day that seemed to have started well ended in the hospital, with a doctor who coldly told me you were no longer here. And when I saw you, so small and defenseless, a part of my heart broke forever. 

It's been 3 months and 14 days, and I'm trying my hardest, but sometimes the pain is so deep I can't breathe. 

I think about the first word you'll never say, the first steps you'll never take, the first day of school, the candles you'll never blow out, all the things you could have been and won't be.

I'm still a little angry at life for being so cruel to you, and I just wish I had the chance to know you and watch you grow.

I hope my love reaches you wherever you are, Baby S of my heart. 
I love you to the moon and back, ♥

His first visit

give up

The day that changed my life.